How To Make Some Guacamole
Some of you are reading this and thinking “What the hell, lady. Who does not know how to make guacamole?”
I say, well guy, shut your brain. Six months ago I thought guacamole only really existed as that pale creamy blah avocado substitute found in the dip section at Woolworths. Then I went to a Mexican restaurant where they served fresh guac with salted corn chips to nibble whilst you decided on your meal, and tried to eat the whole dish of it (much to the chagrin of my dinnertime accomplices).
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The next day I looked up a recipe on the internet and made a huge bowl of it to share with myself and a whole bag of original Doritos. This recipe is my adjustment on that, a recipe for all of you who might not have discovered the joy of fresh avocado mooshed with other goodness and smeared all over a salty corn chip. Or those of you who never bothered looking up a recipe and only enjoyed real guacamole when someone else made it. It’s super easy, honest.
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For the first step, you need to go outside.
Go on. You can do it.
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Head to a grocery store. Or a greengrocer, if you are lucky enough to have one nearby. Our grocery store has a good fruit and vege section. It is also named “Banana Joe’s” and has a big banana chillin’ in a hammock on the front awning. Note that it was raining when I took this picture but the banana was still chillin’ because it is just that cool.
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Select your first victim: The Avocado. Test it is ripe by gently touching the area around the stem part at the top – if it gives easily, you have a good one. If the avocado is squishy all over, it’s overripe. If the whole bin full of avocados is super squishy (like today), pick the least squishy ones. I like Hass avocados (these have a pebbly skin and turn from green to dark purple when ripe) but they’re all good really.
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Also collect a red or Spanish onion, a lime (or a lemon if limes are expensive), a nice red tomato, and try and remember if you have salt and pepper at home (I like fresh ground pepper and rock salt because I pretend to be fancy).
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At my grocery store there is a no-name brand of round, lightly salted corn chip that goes great with fresh guac, but original Doritos are good too. (Try to avoid overly cheese-powdered corn chips, they’ll mess with the flavour.)
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For this recipe I am making a small amount for myself as a snack, so I am using one small avocado, half a small tomato, half a lime, and one quarter of a big Spanish onion.
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Chop your onion and tomato up into a nice small dice. This mixes better with the avo and enables you to scoop easily. If you don’t know how to dice, just chop messily for ages until everything looks sorta small. I also like to take as much tomato seed out as I can before chopping because it makes everything a bit slimy.
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To prepare your avocado, get a big sharp knife and run it down from the pointy top to the fat base, and back up to the top again on the other side. You should now be able to pull your avocado apart, and the seed (if your avo is not overripe) will be stuck in one half. Now here is the fun part: with your big sharp knife in one hand and your avo in the other, whack at the avo seed with the blade of the knife. If you did it hard enough, the knife blade will become stuck in the avocado seed. Now turn the knife clockwise or anti-clockwise to twist the seed free. (If you’re worried about doing this I am sure there are instructional videos on YouTube.) Have fun getting the seed off the knife later, for now you need to get a spoon and scoop that delicious avocado meat into a big bowl. Immediately squeeze lime juice over it and begin mashing, because avocado goes brown if you don’t get some citrus on it.
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(Bonus tip: If you wish to have some of that fancy non-mashed guac, you can peel your avocado simply bu cutting your halves longways into quarters. You should be able to pick up a quarter and easily peel the skin from it. Now you can cut your avocado into little cubes.)
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After mashing good and proper, add your diced onion and tomato and stir. Add salt and pepper and extra lime juice to taste. I have read a recipe that swears by garlic salt, but I have never had garlic salt around. Try it if you do! It could be awesome!
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Because you’re a good housemate, now you can do your cleaning up and put away the remainder of your ingredients. Then take your bag of chips and bowl of guac and sit in your bedroom or in front of the tv, shovelling the green glop into your face with wild abandon.
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Enjoy!
Okay, as a Certified New Mexican, I do have to say one thing and that is: if you ain’t feel like dicing tomato and onion yourself, go get your favorite salsa and just mash that stuff right on it. It’ll be okay. It’s how we do, because mooshing a delicious avocado right into your favorite salsa can only make it better. I guess that’s not really a recipe, though, and honestly if you come from places where the salsa isn’t all that, it’s not that helpful.
Yeah the only salsa I know is jarred stuff that is just sweet and soggy and okay to eat occasionally as junk food. When I want guac I want something healthy and fresh and delish!
This is relevant to my interests.
I am so hungry right now.
Jordan, help a brother out. What is good salsa? We’re seriously deprived here.
Using garlic or garlic salt (I prefer minced garlic) actually is really good! Also if you’re not one of those people that thinks cilantro tastes like soap, definitely add some cilantro.
Jordan, I’ve done the salsa thing too! But mostly just for the tomatoes. I still add all the other stuff.